You know when you meet someone and they just sort of knock your socks off. They’re witty banter and quick at the touch. It’s one of those moments where you look at them and think “they’re pretty cool” and then you talk to them and suddenly they’re insides, all the scars, and the love and the little details of their personality, sort of become them, you see them for everything they are and it’s amazing, it’s like they glow, glow from the inside out and you are addicted to that glow.
The more and more you see them the greater that addiction gets, till you hit that realisation that you can’t live without them. You can’t breathe without them. You can’t think without them. They become not just a part of your life but a part of you. And without them you feel like something is missing. Even on their dark days you can see that fire, yearning to escape, begging to be rekindled, waiting for you to light that match again.
They can see through your arrogant bravado, see through your fake smiles and your painted face. And they want you for you baggy T days and bed hair mornings. They love you for your knack for missing their subtle romance and need you for you. They drag you out of your dark days and feed your addiction to them without hesitation.
They love you.
You know those people?
That wasn’t you.
You were cruel and hard and the more I got to know you the more I could see how you didn’t glow, your insides were wrong, rotten, broken, you burned with a cruel light. A light not begging for help, or love, or laughter, no, your light wants brutality, wants cruelty, it is fed by your cruel words and your scheming mind. There was no love there.
You were sadistic, you played with me, with skill. You toyed with me, just waiting for the moment that you could break me. Break down my walls, break down my trust, and then crush me so I was just as rotten as you. I won’t lie, you had the skills, you were talented, I fell for every line, every whispered lie and every gentle insult, I sucked in, believing every word.
So I ran.
Even though I loved you.
Because even on my darkest days I knew you would only ever bring me down.