swings and roundabouts

I know I’ve been decidedly morbid recently.

But for a reason I think.

It feels like my depression comes in a cycle of sorts. I have so many weeks on the up and up and up and I’m soaring and spiralling out of control. Happy. And then bam. I hit the brick wall. I get plunged into the icy water my head being forced down and leaving me close to suffocation.

I’ve been cycling up on my bike with wings.

Flying, probably a little too fast.

And then suddenly I woke up in the middle of the night drenched in sweat grasping at the darkness trying to break it apart and find the light of day. But how do you explain this? How can you tell someone you’re back in that dark place? That you need them to throw down a ladder again? for the upteenth time and help you haul your ass to the surface without sounding like a major drama queen?

My brain is foggy at the moment.

Like I have all these thoughts that just won’t quite surface to something solid.

Like swings and roundabouts.

Nothing quite seems clear right now.

I want to run away and roll up in a blanket taco and just sleep it of.

Sleep off my drunken state.

<work in progress>

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