mad monkey

Today was a pretty epic day. 

Aside from having to drop the motherload at the airport at 3:30 in the AM. 

I know have the. Whole. Damn. House. To myself. For 7 freaaaaking weeks. 

 

So blow by blow. 

I slept in. 

And made a mad monkey for breakfast. 

Banana, coffee and cocoa. 

It was a glorious moment of celebration. 

 

Anyway, today is also a big day because I’m facing the ever growing fear I’ve had for the last two and a half years that I have depression. It’s been a slowly downwards descending cycle where I’ve dug myself into a hole then scrabbled to stay grasping at the edges. But now; it’s gotten to the point where getting out of bed in the morning is more than a struggle it’s a genuine quest through a prickly fairytale forest. It’s like when you’re drunk but you don’t want to be drunk but your too drunk to do anything about it and just keep stumbling around and messing things up even though you know you don’t want to be there. It’s destroyed me. And it frustrates me. Because admitting this; although the right thing to do; makes me feel weak, like a complete failure. Like I didn’t succeed in fighting this on my own. I need help. 

But I need help. 

I’m not suicidal or anything. 

I just need someone else to give me a push. 

So for anyone else who feels like me. 

Baby steps. 

Accepting the fact I needed help has taken a seriously long ass time. 

But I’ve gotten there. 

I did something yesterday too which was a big step for me. 

If you asked my friends to describe me, the last thing they’d say was that I’m shy or nervous or anything other than overly self confident. But in truth people scare me, new people that is. I can’t stand the thought of meeting new people. It makes me so nervous I shake. Yesterday I wanted to try out these free kickboxing classes, but without someone to go with I almost backed out. I sat in my car terrified of the possibility. I was so close to just driving home. I was all sweaty palms and a nervous stomach. But I got out and walked in. And it was one of the best feelings ever. I loved it! And I can’t wait to go back this afternoon for round 2 of ass kicking! 

 

That was a slightly sombre post. 

So after I do all that motivational business I’m going on an intense baking session. 

No bake mocha cookies

Coconut, pecan & banana bread

Super fudgy paleo brownies

And then I’m going to EAT IT ALL. 

And have no regrets.